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    A Personal Note

    I sit here tonight not quite sure what to write but I know that I want to write. My head is full of thoughts, doubts and fears. Not as much doubt as yesterday but still some is there. This past week has been really hard. Just thinking through the past few months and asking God if I'm where I'm supposed to be or did I miss something along the way. After working at Lake Forest last summer I could have gone back to my old job and even told them I would return. But after a couple of days of being totally miserable I called them back and said I would not be back after all. I had no doubt that it was God and still don't doubt it now. It was a great relief and I had enough savings to survive till God showed me what He wanted me to do. As I looked into some different things that looked promising it seemed each time that I moved in those directions I would hear that still small voice saying "that's not where you need to be right now". That was okay but a bit unnerving as more time past.
    During this time I started thinking about where my heart was at and what desires I had there. In thinking about it the things I found was my desire to do this website and that I would love to work at camp another summer. Of course the working at camp part seemed a little impossible considering my financial state but God had provided work from places I had not expected so I thought well maybe it could work out. The best that I knew was where my heart was and that I should wait and see if the camp had a job for me this summer. Just looking at things I thought my money would hold out till summer began. All of that was fine and well up till last week when I got this horrible sinus infection. It's amazing how $10 apiece antibiotic pills can crumple your faith. All of a sudden I start hearing thoughts in my head like, I'm not going to have enough money to make it, and I must have missed God at some point.
    Needless to say life looked like it was going down the drain. Between being sick and taking antibiotics that causes mood swings I pretty well hit bottom. You know that place where you tell God I can't get up. You do just what you have to do to survive the day and the rest of the time you stay in bed with your head covered up as if that can hide you from anything, that brings me to yesterday. I went to see a friend that I had not seen in a few weeks. As we sat drinking coffee he said he had something for me, that God had laid this on his heart two weeks ago as he was reading his bible and saw a verse that said something like this, God will provide what you need for what He has for you to do. He handed me some money and said this is for your ministry.
    I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think about this and the fact that God knew where I would be yesterday and how down I would be so He took care of it two weeks earlier. You know the money is great but the word from God through my friend is priceless. I still don't know if the camp has a job for me this summer or not or what I will do if they don't but today is all I need to know and today I'm okay.
I feel like the man in the bible that said "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief".

    God I ask that I would constantly see that life is not what happens on the outside but that life is knowing You and abiding in Your hug.

Johnny Taylor March 2nd, 2005

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